Once Upon A Time In a Town Like This, A Little Girl Made A Christmas Wish, To Fill The World With Happiness(:

GREETINGS, FOLKS! Yes, it is three days after Christmas, yes, It's been a month and five days since I've posted, yes, I know you'll all forgive me because you love me, thank you for being so understanding. :D ANYWAAAAAY, so I woke up on Christmas and was all, "holy shit! it's Christmas!" And after I had my mini little spaz attack I woke up Curly who was extremely pissed off having a hang over and all and made him get ready so we could go to Pony's house and drink and exchange presents and shit like that, so anyway, here's what I got you morons:



Jamie: Poster of Glee



Andrew: A nice new hat!



Jelly: Dean cut out, please don't try and fuck it. xD



Austin: A Ryan Miller Jersey(:



Blair: A hand book on how to use birth control. xD



Bre: All Time Low Tee Shirt.

Brook: A Cookie Monster Tee-Shirt.

Buck: Beer; the gift that keeps on giving. :D

Candie: A pretty necklace(:

Carson: The Supernatural soundtrack.

Kyle: What else for my favorite druggie?! POT!

Mark: A camera since we all know you love to take pictures of yourself. :P

Ponyboy: Sigh...I really wanted to get you Ke$ha's cd however I didn't want you to have a mental breakdown so I burned you a mixture of both Ke$ha and Britney Spears.

Sodapop/Katie: A gift certificate for you both to Babies R Us for when the time comes. :P

Steve: A cut out of a Playmate (She's your imaginary girlfriend. xD)

Cristy: Guitar picks.

Curly: Coal.

Dally: Condoms; NO GLOVE NO LOVE!

Darry; A gift card to any spa of your choice (:

Dawn: I'm sorry I'm not very original, buuut, a Danny Phantom shirt!

Dimitri: Dinner for two at any resturaunt of your choice...MAKE IT A FANCY RESTURAUNT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT!

Elena: Bandaids for the next time you get hurt. xD

Johnny: My loveeeeeeeeeeeeee annnnnnd a muffin bracelet I have a matching one! :D

Two-Bit: BEER, WOO HOO! (Please share.)

Kit: I got your cat a little carrier!

You've got spunk, you've got spark, you've got somethin' all the girls wantt.(:

As you guys know me and Johnny are dating. This is like my first legit boyfriend. I've had like little flings and hook-ups (especially hook-ups), make-out sessions and some good times(; but never an actual relationship, needless to say I was a little worried about me and Johnny's first date.



I wasn't sure what to wear. I had seen girls on t.v. get ready for a date before. I wasn't sure if it was a "dressy date" or a "fun date" but knowing Johnny it'd be a fun date so I decided to wing it and just put on jeans, a red sweatshirt and my vans :D I know Johnny wouldn't care.



At around 5:30 I heard a knock at the door, I told Curly to get it as I put the finishing touches on my hair. I heard hushed talking and got a little worried, but I was too excited to care! I was going out with Johnny, woo-hoo!(: All right, I'm gonna stop now I sound twelve, but anyway, I made my way down the hall to see Curly holding Johnny up by the shirt. I inwardly groaned, at this rate the next time I had a date with Johnny someone would end up either crying, bleeding, or dead. I coughed and Curly pushed Johnny back and said "Okay, I'm gonna go, you kids have fun!" I rolled my eyes and lead Johnny out the door.

I sighed as he opened the door for me in the car. "I'm sorry about that, he was dropped on his head as an infant." "That's okay, he replied, happy as ever. So what do you wanna do?"
"Hm, let's go...roller skating!"
He sighed and said, "But isn't roller skating for hippies or something?" I pouted and gave the puppy dog eyes that I knew would work and he complied(:

"Okay, all right! Let's go." I smiled to myself, I could tell this was gonna be a fun night.

The skating rink was practically deserted except for a few employees so we basically had the entire place to ourselves. It was perfect. As soon as we got our skates situated and what-not I skated myself onto the floor and did twirl. I could tell Johnny was impressed because his mouth was hanging open when I turned around. "Wow, Angela, I didn't know you were such a good skater." As soon as he said that I felt myself blush and I tingled. "Thanks, Johnny, now come on slow-poke get out here!"

As soon as he stepped out onto the rink he fell on his ass. It was hilarious, but I tried not to laugh but I couldn't contain myself as I tried to help him up.
He said in a rather annoyed tone, "Yeah, yeah, Angela, laugh it up I can't roller skate," he said as I looked down at him. I chuckled and replied, "Yes, well I can see that, here, silly let me help you." I grabbed his hand and carefully pulled him up.

Eventually he picked up on how to skate :P and we played four corners he "won" :P (*Cough* Ilethimwin *cough* cough* :P)
We got off and ate our pizza merrily and chatted and talked about stuff. At the end of the night some intercom-genius man said over the loud speaker, "Everyone out on the dance floor with your loved ones," and they played a slow song! :D And well yeah, we kissed at the end obviously :P (:

He was a little wobbily on the skates but he got through it and is a really good dancer(: He drove me home and Curly will be relieved to know that he didn't try and pull anything stupid. I think Johnny was a little scared of Curly to be honest because at the of the night he only gave me a good night hug. As soon as I walked in the door I realized why. My dumbass of a brother was glaring at Johnny with nun chucks. I swear that boy is going to put me in an early grave -.-. But anyway my date with Johnny was great!♥(:

Hallo Fucking Ween.

I love, love, love Halloween! Besides the fact you get to dress in revealing outfits for no reason you also get to mess with people. And we all know how much the Shepards love that(;

So this Halloween me and Curly decided to be menaces to society and fuck with the younger kids. Not like the little, little ones, like the eight-year-olds; that's just messed up, I mean the twelve and thirteen-year-olds who think they're such hot shit.



So anyway the plan was I was to answer the door and Curly was to hide in the bush outside armed with a blow-horn and multiple apple pies. It was gonna be a great night.



Curly dressed up like a ninja; all out black. Black hat, black sweat-shirt jeans, converse, and just everything. Meanwhile I just gave up on looking good for the night, too much effort I decided. I just left my hair down wavy and wild, threw on a gray sweatshirt and jeans, and my dolphin slippers :D

Anywaaaay, nine 'O clock rolled around and door bells started a ringin' soon enough we had a couple of angels at our house(; how too small, the prime age. There were three kids. Two girls and a boy. One girl had short wavy brown hair and was dressed up as a hippy, another chick with long red straight hair was dressed up as a wizard and the boy was dressed as a lumber jack. I can't wait to scare the shit outta these punks I thought as I opened the door. "TRICK OR TREAT!" They answered as I opened the door, I nodded to Curly who replied with a salute to me. "Here ya go kids...,I said as I placed Snickers, Milky Ways and various other goodies in their little nap-sacks." Then all of a sudden a blow-horn sounded and the kids dropped their candy and whipped their heads around in terror where Curly was waiting with fresh pie! He slapped in each other their faces and took off around the house into a pile of leaves we had strategically placed.

But what I was not expecting was the little lumber jack to take a razor blade out of his back pocket and sprint after my brother screaming, "I'M GONNA GET YOU BITCH!" The girls stood there cracking up with pie covering their faces.

I to them, "Is that one of you two's boyfriend?" The brunette replied with a smirk, "That's my older brother."

Homecoming Hell.

Homecoming. The dance that all the pretty girls of the world dream of; becoming the homecoming dream with their little prick of a boyfriend and their gorgeous hot pink poofy dress; in case you don't know me, that was never my outlook on life or on school dances for that matter. As you know I went with Johnny, besides the fact I knew it would get under Jamie's skin he is so sweet and cute that I just had to say yes :p.

Anyway as I started getting ready I realized that I hadn't ever been to a school function. I wasn't one to really go to them. I was more of a hard-party-slut-it-up kinda gal, but hey, there's a first time for everything, right? Right.

I walked down the hall making my way into the kitchen in a short silver dress and my hair curled at the ends. I tried to not put on as much as eye make-up as I normally would since I think it'd look too over the top for a school dance, not that I would know, but still. In the kitchen stood Curly..in a suit with a corsage? I was very confused but didn't question it, he is a strange child.

"Hey, who's the corsage for? I asked as I put my lip gloss on."

"Oh, Jamie, he replied simply."

I ran my lip-gloss halfway across my face and nearly dropped dead. JAMIE! My rival was going to HOMECOMING with my brother. She must've found out about me and Johnny, oh well, sucks to be her. I couldn't wait to get there now just to rub it in her face. At that moment Johnny knocked on the door and I walked over opened it and he very gentleman-like escorted me to his car. On the way we made small talk about muffins, lady gaga and random shit. It was kinda nice having someone to just talk to for no reason; I really liked it, but that's not the point anyway we arrived late, (fashionably late :p) and walked in to see some shit about to go down between Jamie and Brook. I wasn't about it get into it, Jamie hates me enough and I have no problems with Brook so I was ready to steer clear and watch the cat-fight go down from afar, but does anything ever go my way? No. As soon as we walked through that door and Johnny saw everyone yelling we just had to go over there and see what was up.

When we had joined the circle I noticed Jamie smirking at Johnny. Couldn't the chick just let it go? THEY WERE BROKEN UP; MY GOD.

"I can expl-, Johnny started." But Jamie cut him off, "Don't. I really don't care to know, she interrupted."

"Don't talk him like that!" Me and Brook shouted in unison. How she could be such a bitch to the nicest guy in the world, I didn't know, but it pissed me off; a lot. "Oh look the whores teamed up." She replied. HA! Me the whore; right now, she was not in any position to be saying anything considering the fact she was here with my brother and making out with Austin. I noticed Johnny wasn't at my side anymore, probably scared to get involved.

"Says the girl who just broke up with her boyfriend and is making out with someone else." I retorted. A look of complete hatred filled her face and I knew I had gotten to her. But, the last thing I had expected was the dumb bitch to slap me. It stung, not much, but it still hurt. (She's not very good at hitting :p) As soon as I realized what she did I grabbed onto her hair and just yanked with all my might, I was so pissed, I thought I was gonna just tackle her right then and there. Then Brook, the tiniest of them all joins in the fight just slapping away and both of us, and by some miracle all the guys grabbed us and pulled us away from each other.

At some point I guess that Curly had come over because now him and Austin were arguing over Jamie. Then it came to me. Jamie had just crushed my brother. He really liked her and she just left him out to dry; fucking little hypocrite. At that point I realized I had never hated anyone so much in my entire life and if Johnny hadn't have been there I probably would've jumped her. You don't cross a Shepard and get away with it, but I think Johnny realized what I was thinking cause he pulled me away and out the door, well I think pulled is an understatement, he ran out the door pulling me along with him, -.- .

He opened the car door for me and we drove home in awkward silence, he dropped me off at home.

"Hey, I'm really sorry for such a shitty night." I apologized.

"Eh, it's alright, this was bound to happen eventually." He sighed.

"Thank you for being so sweet though." I gave him a little peck and walked into the house with more emotions swirling around then I ever had in my entire life.

When a Tornado Meets a Volcano.

I woke up totally confused. I was in bed fully clothed and I tried to sit up and I thought my brain was about to fall out of my head it hurt so bad. I opened my eyes slowly to see Curly sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Holy shit Curly it feels like I've been hit by a truck, I mumbled."

"Yeah, well, you should. You took LSD, he replied."

"I took what now, I asked scrunching my eyebrows."

"Our dip-shit of a brother gave you a mother load of LSD knocked you out and here you are, he said with a hint of resentment in his voice."

I thought for a moment and the memories of the past night came flooding back to me. The drugs, my brother, the sleazy guy, Pony. Everything. How my own brother betrayed me for money. Treated me like a whore so he could make a couple of bucks. Had I driven him to this? Had I made myself seem so unbearable that my own brother had to sell me off to other men. I couldn't think straight. I was losing it. I knew it. I just wanted to sleep this off and it all to be a dream, no nightmare. One huge freaking nightmare, one that I could wake up from and not have to live with the effects of, but nope, life is never that easy; is it?

"What time is it anyway, I asked as I shifted my position so I was propped up on my elbow."

"5:30, just about. You got here around like 1-1:15, I dunno. Pony carried you home sometime around then and said you were drugged up somethin' awful. He told me what happened, wanna talk about it, he asked with a concerned look."

"Naw, it's okay you go sleep, I'm gonna too."

"Angela....., he trailed off."

"I'll talk to you about it later, now I just wanna sleep okay," I tried to tell him as gently as I could but it came out a little harsh and I saw him shrink back stung by the coldness of my voice and walk out the door.

You'd think that with all the terror I had endured the past couple of hours that I'd never be able to get to sleep but I think that was when even God realized I had gone through enough and gave me his blessing to go to sleep.

"Angel. Hey, Angel. Yo, Angela wake up!" I was awoken to hushed whispering at 6:30 in the morning by none other than Austin Brumley. I rolled over and squinted to see if I was dreaming. He was sitting on the edge of my bed attempting to wake me up. It was not going well.

"Hey, let's go, he whispered."

"Go?! Go where?! Where are we going?" I practically hissed.

"New York City, he calmly stated."

"Okay, lemme just- wait what? NEW YORK CITY? ARE YOU CRAZY?!" I practically screamed.

"Look, I need to get away and I cant go alone plus, you said you'd be there for me no matter what."

I lost all common sense at that point. I basically said fuck it all what else could go wrong, threw a few things in a bag, made him carry me and all my crap out to the car and we were on our way to New York.

We both came to the conclusion that we needed to go blow off some steam so therefore we stopped by some random bar. I decided to follow the ways of Kitty Curtis; what's the best way of getting rid of a hangover? Keep drinking! So I walked in and immediately went to the bar. Asked for a bottle of Jack and took a swig. I worked my way to the back of the room and sat between these two guys. I looked at the one on my right and he said something about me having great legs and ran his hand up my thigh and brushed my hair away from my neck. I gave in and leaned toward him and though hey, it's all down hill from here, why not just have a little fun right? But little did I know that his buddy had a needle behind his back and right before he's about to drug me up and do God knows what Austin appears out of no where and totally decks him in the face picks me up with one hand and drags me out of the bar with ease.

He laid me down in the back seat where I passed out and woke up the next morning with a major headache and in some cheap crappy motel bedroom.

The next day we did typical tourist shit. Went to the Statue of Liberty and I had the time of my life. Just laughing and screwing around. For not knowing each other too well before we got really close that day. We also went to the Empire State Building and Austin talked to some Asian man about finding something I don't know, it was awkward to listen to. But anyway we went out to dinner and just talked. We really got close that day. And those twenty for hours I saw the real Austin Brumley. The one that no one could ever hate no matter how hard they tried.

Just Gonna Stand There and Watch Me Burn? WELL IT'S NOT ALRIGHT.

My brothers are two of the best friends that a girl could ever have.



That is if you have huge tits a nice plump ass and bucket loads of money. I thought we were in it together; loyal until the day we died, bound by blood. One of those gutless ass holes hung me out to dry and I think you all know who it is...



It happened at none other than Buck's; a typical Tuesday night. Well, I used to think that I know better now that Tuesdays are no longer typical if anything they're even more extraordinary. As I was saying I walked into Buck's in my armor; aka my make-up done, hair straightened, short skirt, and shirt unbuttoned a little more than it should have been. Wearing my slut-like get-up is a way to protect myself. Sure, it sounds totally retarded but it's true. I know that on the inside I'm not a whore but wearing those clothes is like wearing a costume and acting out a part of my life, so if someone gets mad at me they aren't getting made at the real me, they're getting mad at my character. I have an insanely screwed up mind but it makes sense in my head.

But hey, that's how I roll those typical Tuesday nights, I like to spice it up a little, I'd made a tradition to go there every Tuesday and just let loose, get crazy, and let Tulsa's wild child break free. Anyway my brothers and I like to make Tuesday night our night the night we go out party and make all those who hate us hate us more. So I walked into Buck's strutting that famous Shepard strut and swaying my hips a little, I got a few whistles in return and sauntered up to the table in the back where my brothers and their gang sat.

"Hey, I said as I took a seat at the table."
"Tim, ya got anything for me tonight that can make me go really wild? Different than the usual?" I asked. I got high only on Tuesdays, just that one night I had to let go and lose control, the one night where I could be whoever I wanted, is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

"Yeah sure, Angel, here, knock yourself out, he replied with a smirk." I saw Curly out of the corner of my eye shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"Uhh, Tim, I don't mean to mean to shit on your parade but are you sure that' shit's alright? That's LSD, what if she has a bad trip or-,
"Bro, ya gotta trust me, would I give our own little sister something that could seriously harm her? Besides Angel can handle it." I nodded in approval at Tim's trust in me and Curly's over-protectiveness, I grabbed the drugs and went to go sit at the bar. I popped a few pills into my beer and took a swig, a few minutes after, I felt insanely drunk, and I was getting really dizzy so I made my way over to the couch and within minutes my world went black. I woke up, minutes, hours, days later, I didn't know with my clothes off. I looked up at the ceiling and realized I was in a room at Buck's. I rolled over and realized some half naked jerk from my brother's gang had his arm slung across my bare hip. I jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs and I heard movement from outside the door. Tim came in and stared at me, "What's that matter, Angela, he asked in a calm voice." First of all, I had no idea what was going, second I didn't even know if I had been fucked or what, and third, why was my big brother so calm about all of this? "WHAT'S WRONG?! ARE YOU MENTALLY UNSTABLE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" "Just tryin' to make some extra money, that's all, he replied lighting up a smoke."
"YOU WHAT?! YOU'VE BEEN SELLING ME! TIM SHEPARD TELL ME YOUR JOKING!" The greaser next to me had woken up and said, "Naw, he's serious as a heart attack, but lemme tell ya, paying him $100 was well worth it, he said as he scooted closer to me as began to kiss my neck." I screamed at the top of my lungs and thrashed and kicked until he fell off of the bed.

Tim had left me there, with a complete stranger, to do whatever he pleased with me. I had never felt so alone in my life. My own brother had zero respect for me. If I thought my life could get any worse than before, I'd hit an all time low. All of a sudden the last person I expected to see walks in; Ponyboy. I quickly covered the sheets up around me and his eyes bulged out of his head.
"Holy shit, Angela I'm sorry! I didn't see anything..! Didn't mean to interrupt!"
"No, Pony, it's okay trust me, nothing is going on here, this my ass hole of a brother has been selling me to sleazy greasers for months."
And that was when the reality hit me and I hit rock bottom literally. My world went black and I passed out.

To be continued...

Lunatics Unite.

I can't stand people who make excuses. Drives me crazy. But I never thought I'd see the day when I'd start making excuses for someone else.
I heard about how Austin got crazy-ass drunk and went all wacko on Brook. Totally not the kid I knew, then I heard that he went to go and commit suicide and failed. How stupid can ya get? Needless to say I was pissed. And lemme tell ya us Shepards can get pretty damn scary when we're pissed and I gave this kid no mercy when I visited him in the hospital.

I walked in the hospital and immediately I got strange looks from the people around me. I wasn't overly shocked, especially since it was from the male staff. I was wearing a short black skirt and this low cut tank top. Yeah it's fall but hey I like to look nice while I'm partying and I didn't exactly have time between hearing about Austin's shannagins and fist pumping to change my out-fit, I'm only human, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I made my way over to the front desk and asked the lady up there about Austin Brumley.
"He's in room eight-oh-nine, but honey the pregnancy wing is on the fourth floor..."
I gave her a confused look until I figured out what the hell she was talking about. This dumb bitch thought I was pregnant! I could feel my face heating up and before I knew it I was cussing her out left and right until the woman had a break down and I was forced to leave the area. Just cause I dress like a skank doesn't mean I am one, people need to get their facts right.

I walked down the hallway and pressed the elevator's up button and stepped in. I was alone, thank god, I had all this rage bottled up inside, it was awful. I was just so mad I thought I could kill someone. I felt like Dallas during a rumble, like Ponyboy when Britney got married for the second time, blowing up on someone was unavoidable, and that unfortunate soul that I flipped out was Austin.

I stormed into his room without knocking, I was a woman on a mission and I'll be damned if someone gets in my way. He was laying there in his bed playing with a...puppet? I wasn't about to ask I was just about to scream my head off.

I would just like to say that me and Austin have never really hung out before. Sure we were friendly and stuff but we weren't like really good friends before and he was pretty shocked to see me of all people here looking like I wanted to kill him.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?" I shouted as I charged across the room.

"Hey Angela?" He replied with a confused look his face. "Shut the door, if I'm about to be murdered I'd rather do it so no one can see that I got slaughtered by a chick, he joked."

He was kidding. KIDDING! At a time like this. He was so, so lucky he was in a hospital or my blind rage just may have taken over and killed him. I swear, sometimes when I get mad I'm a completely different person. It scares me to my inner core but I can't control it.

"STOP YOUR KIDDING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR KIDDING! ARE YOU CRAZY?!" I screeched waving my hands making crazy gestures that probably made me look stupid.

He just stared down at his little puppet. He looked so lost. Like a little kid looking for his mother. He had lost his way. Lord knows I had too many times to count but I was still pissed and I couldn't stop myself.

"Answer me or I may just fulfill your death wish and kill you myself! Being drunk does not give you the right to go around assaulting people, ya moron! Especially your girlfriend! You're throwing your life away, damn it, and I'm not just gonna sit back and watch a perfectly good person ruin it by not thinking!"

This whole time he didn't say a word. He just stared at his hands and finally he looked at me. His eyes had taken a pleading sad look to them. They weren't reckless or laughing. Just depressed. It made me annoyed that I noticed this because I hated emotions, they ruined everything. Emotions were like walls, you can push them down as many times as you want but they are still there waiting for the worst possible moment to come out and screw it all up and to think that this hooligan was screwing up his life just by one thoughtless action made me so mad I couldn't see. I think he realized how upset I was finally cause he decided to talk to me.

"I couldn't take it. Hurting her, I promised her I wouldn't and I did. I'm just not a good person, I don't deserve her or anybody Else's love. I deserve to die."

"Shut up, no you don't. You just need to get a hold of yourself and your emotions. Don't let your emotions control you and don't let your actions define you. You don't just stop living cause you make a mistake! You fight through it and don't take the easy way out. You may think killing yourself will be better for everyone, when in actuality you're causing everyone more pain. So either get help and listen to me or I can personally kick your ass; your choice pal." I was out of breath after that rant. I was much more calmed down now. I could finally see without black and red spots obstructing parts of my vision.

"Still, he said." "She won't want me now. I hurt her worse than just mentally. I physically hurt her. And that is just purely unacceptable." He practically whispered. He was so close to crying and I wasn't sure why but that made me incredibly sad. I barely knew this kid and I was being really sympathetic? Damn, I must be getting soft because I recommended him to my old therapist. I told him about how I used to cut myself and how I used to be anorexic. We talked a lot and he has agreed to get help. The rest of the time we focused on getting him a cookie because since he was on suicide watch he wasn't allowed anything from the outside, which explained the puppet. How you can kill yourself with a cookie is beyond me, but hey, rules are rules, and they're meant to be broken.

He is on the road to recovery mentally and he is a mess right now. We're one in the same and I now realize that.

Hot Mess.

The other day I was flat out falling apart. My mom kicked me out once again because I'm a quote "whore" Tim was god knows where and Curly was being himself and hiding. But anyway I decided to go out and attempt to have a good time, but it's pretty safe to say that it didn't go so well. I come home high and depressed. I walked in and stumbled into the basement with a switchblade with my mother screaming down the stairs about ovens or something, I dunno. Anyway, I sunk to a new low. I hit rock bottom. I know it sounds all cliched and shit but it's true. I never thought I'd get there with the friends I have and the people I can talk to but I chose to take the bad way out and just cram it up inside in a little box. But noooo god forbid I torture myself in peace because a couple of minutes after I had been sobbing in private here comes none other than Johnny Cade. I almost started laughing when I saw him. Out of all the people in the world to find me here it was one of my best friends who has enough problems without having to witness mine. Wow I thought. Now this is a great day. NOT.


"Angela....? What're you doing?"


"Johnny?" I replied looking up from the ground.

"Yeah, yeah I'm here." Johnny said.


I for one would rather not have people see me with blood running down my arms, my hair looking like a bird's nest and my make-up blotted around my face like splatter paint, let alone Johnny. "Johnny, leave, I don't want you to see me like this," I practically whispered to keep from crying out. But deep down I was hoping to god he'd stay. I needed someone to talk to. Someone to complain to; someone to finally be there to help me. I was so bipolar at that point I was shocked he hadn't even run out of the house screaming yet. I was so glad he was there.

"No, I'm not letting you hurt yourself like this," He snapped.

At that point I was just so sick of everyone telling me things. What to do, what to think, who I was, where I was going. I got so pissed off I thought I was going to seriously injure Johnny if I couldn't control myself. "I don't care!" I screamed. "It's my life and I'll hurt myself if I want to! My life is just a wreck.."

"And you think this is how to solve it?!" He retorted.

I paused. I never really though of an alternative other than trying to take away the pain with the blood sliding down my wrists. Replacing pain with more pain. It was senseless but it sort of gave me the control I needed in my life. I needed to control something that I was doing, and this was the only way I knew how. "You don't understand..." I said lamely. It was a crappy excuse but I couldn't really explain it to him. I couldn't let him into my dark side. If I broke down that wall god knows what else I'd let out.

"Come on, Angela, please put the knife down." He asked in a steady voice. "NO!" I shouted at him. "Look, Angela, put the knife down and we can talk about this. There are better ways to deal with this." He said. I could tell he was kind of freaked out at that point but I just couldn't bring myself to put it down.

"I dunno." I replied. "This feels pretty good to me."

"But it isn't good for you. Trust me, Angela. I need you to trust me." He pleaded.

He was begging me to put the knife down. Someone was begging me to help myself. How could I be so selfish? Here was this great dude trying to help me out. I was finnally getting what I wanted and yet I was refusing treatment. I just stared at Johnny for a few seconds. He helped me discover the inner demons I had been trying to conquer for years. I looked at the knife and just dropped it. I collapsed right into Johnny. I started sobbing. I haven't cried in eleven years. It felt so good to just let it all out. I just cried and cried and he held me for the lord knows how long. Finally he asked, "Angela do you want to talk about this?"

I thought about it for a second. I did but I didn't want to let out all of my skeletons. Then I decided to just screw it and tell him.

"I guess it started when my mother started to beat me and do awful things to me. My dad has raped me a few times but he took off. They didn't care about me one bit. I was lucky if they put dinner on the table. I mostly just kept my mouth shut about it because I was humiliated by it. The only way I could keep control was by.....cutting." I shivered at the last word.

I know it's stupid to keep your mouth shut when you're getting hit but you don't understand until you're actually in that position and Johnny and I understood each other.

He just kind of stared at me for a minute. I looked at my wrists and shifted uncomfortably, I really thought he was going to leave me here. I didn't expect him to give me a whole therepy session. But he stayed and boy was I relieved.

He said in a quiet voice, "You know, my parents beat me up too.."
WHOA! Okay first of all I was very confused considering him being one of my good friends, I didn't know this. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

"Really? Oh Johnny, I didn't know.."

We talked for a long, long time. We talked about everything. Our lives, our pasts, random crap. You name it.

An hour later I spoke up, "I've never told anyone about the cutting...about everything..except you. And I'm kind of glad you're the only one who knows. I totally trust you."

He just smiled sheepishly. Classic Johnny Cade. Never judgemental or cocky. "Well." He replied. "You will be happy to know I trust you too, a lot." I gave him a small smile. It was quiet for a moment then he said, "Well I better get going, I'm supposed to be looking for Pony's lost cat."

"Oh okay. Lemme walk you to the door." I said. I was for once not scared of being alone. I felt at peace with myself. I hadn't felt that way in I don't even know how long.

"Remember, if you ever need me I'll always be there." He said.

"Thanks, Johnny. I truly appreciate it, I replied." We both began our treck up the stairs and I walked him to the door. "Bye, Johnny Appleseed." I called out.

"Bye, Angela." He answered. I began to walk back into my house when he hurridly said, Angela, wait!"

"Yeah?" I answered. Then he pulled me in and kissed me. Not like full on make-out but a kiss is a kiss. I gave in for just a second and then I realized what I was doing. I slapped him. Not too hard but hard enough that he turned away for a minute. He looked down at his sneakers and apologized, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me...." He trailed off. After he said that there was an awkward silence between us. Eventually I just totally lost my mind and said, "Come here you idiot!" Annnd I kissed him. I know, I know I'm totally stupid. SO STUPID. He was my best friend. I don't like him that way, but I was completely out of it. Then we pulled apart and saw Jamie and Ponyboy there. Jamie's face was priceless. I can't imagine what she must be going through right now. I know I'm supposed to hate her and all but I have never felt so bad in my life. She began to speak but I just stepped back and didn't listen to a word of it. I was too in shock to what I had just done. First I confessed my whole entire life story to Johnny then I kissed him! I was full of surprises. He picked up Jamie's necklace that she had thrown at him running away and I apologized repeatedly. He just nodded.

We both agreed it was a mistake and we were too good of friends to ever be together. After that he turned away and walked home. I walked in my house and slept and slept and slept. No dreams. No nightmares just a rock hard sleep. God, am I stupid or what?

Attack of the Super-Slut.

Yesterday was a rather interesting day for me. I was hanging out at the park with Johnny and Jamie. We were swinging on the swings for a little while and then they went to go take a walk, (to do god knows what) and I just kinda hung out and started talking to some kids from school. Then of course who else comes over but the head bitch herself, Sylvia, Dallas' lovely slut of an ex-girlfriend.

"What are you doing here, Shepard!? First you take my boyfriend and NOOOOW you have to come and start stealing my friends?! Get your own god-damn life will you, whore?!"



Alright first of all, I was in no way shape or form about to take any shit from this pathetic excuse of a greaser. I was pissed off enough that day from Curly getting sent away (yet again) and was not in the mood for this weenie.

"I don't know what you're smoking, Sylvia, but I think you've got the wrong girl," I retorted.

I don't think so, Shepard, I was walkin' back from Buck's the other night and saw Dallas walkin' up your front porch and you let him inside, I ain't stupid, I know the score, now keep your goddamn hands on my man, ya dig?" She replied with a sneer.

I laughed in her face. "Dally came over the other night because I was home alone and he is one of my best friends. We didn't do nothin' illegal for a guy to do, especially when he's single, now why don't you go screw someone who enjoys white trash, alright? I'm not in the mood."

Then she did one of the worst things you could possibly do to me when I'm pissed off. She spit in my face. She is very, very lucky that Tim's friends were around or else I would have beat her head into jungle gym. As she stalked away I yanked her down by her long dark hair and she fell back. I said, "You wanna fight? You got one now, honey." I hissed.

She lunged at me and I socked her right under her nose and the little bitch was out for a few seconds and she reached for me again but as I ducked but she smacked me across the face. At this point I wasn't about to go into the cooler, but I sure as hell wasn't about to take crap from some skanky-pussy. I gave her a good push into the slide she hit her head and was out.

I had never been so mad in my life. I swear I thought my heart was going to be straight out of my chest. I bet I looked like Tim or Curly when they just got done with a rumble, and that scared me, but it felt good. As I took one last look at Sylvia and her posse who were attempting and failing to sit the drunken girl up, I turned on my heel and strutted out of the park.

In case of Emergency, Run like Hell!

So, a couple of days ago, I read Bob's post. Screw being cool it fricken creeped me out, not gonna lie. I felt totally useless just waiting who was about to be prayed on, and it happened to be poor Jelly, the sweetest girl ever. Her past that she tried to put behind her was recovered and I am terrified of what is going to happen next. My skeletons coming back to haunt me could be deadly and I don't want anyone I love have to witness that. Every where I go I carry four blades and still, I am paranoid. I have even begun to pray! That's how desperate this bitch has made me! That I have to ask god for help! Us Shepards aren't very religious to begin with but here I am at this random church sobbing in the back row begging God for forgivness and asking him to keep us all safe. It's getting rediculous how truely scared I am. I never leave my house without someone unless I absolutely have to. I am a very independant person and I try not to let things like this get to me but I don't even care anymore! I am not letting that son of a bitch lay a hand on me if I can help it. And if he messes with ANYYYYONEEE ELSE he'll get his ass beaten down so fast his head will spin. SO YOU WATCH OUT BOB FREAKIN' SHELDON!

The Party Don't Start 'Til I walk In..

So, Friday some rather fabulous people and I decided to ditch this boring town and go clubbing. So heading into town was Dally, Blair, Austin, Brook, Ponyboy, Bre, Carson, Jamie, Kyle and I. First we went out to eat at some random resturaunt that no one even remembers. But anyway we pulled up to the club and Dally handed out our fake I.D's. Heaven knows how he managed to get them but I wasn't about to be the kill-joy who asked so I went along with it anyway. We all did a prayer that we would make it through security and tried to act cool as we walked up the side walk. Blair easily got through with her easy-going attitude, Carson followed Blair's lead and charged through the line with confidence, Kyle walked through too, and Austin holding poor Brook who was shaking like a leaf, by some miracle got in. Bre whispered something in the guard's ear giggled and walked through. Pony and Jamie were petrified to go through so Dall and I pushed them next. They looked a little high cause they were shaking so much but the guard must have been partially blind and let them through. I was kind of nervous to go through but I tried not to show it. I got up and the card glanced at my I.D. and was about to let me through when of course the guard decided then to have his sight return to him. He asked me to step aside and I was ready to pass out when Dally shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?!" The guard said, "Um, noo..?" "YOU IDIOT, IT'S KESHA, HOW CAN YOU NOT RECOGNIZE HER STUNNINGLY AMAZING LOOKS?!" "Yeah, right. And I'm Tom Cruise." "She can prove it, Dally said cockily." The guard replied, "Mhm, okay how?" Dally retorted, "If the party starts when she walks in, then you have to let her go, like in her song. But if it doesn't then you can throw us out." The guard shook his head and said whatever and let us through. Boy was that guy an idiot cause after he led us through we booked it through the crowd and quickly found the others. Blair singing kareoke to Livin' on a Prayer while Bre, Brook and Carson were dancing on a table nearby. Kyle and Austin were sitting drinking beers while Pony was requesting Britney to the d.j. Jamie was looking for us but quickly found us. Eventually we all got up and started dancing to Womanizer, I think Pony was gonna start crying he got so excited. The crowd started cheering for Ponyboy as he got up on the bar fist-pumping away with Carson. Brook and Austin left quietly doing god knows what. Blair and Kyle were dancing with each other while Jamie, Bre, Dally and I formed a circle and danced like there was no freaking tomorrow. At about three thirty in the morning Pony, Jamie, me and Brook helped drag everyone out of the club. We lugged them into a coffee house while Brook and Pony pulled the car up. Me and Jamie had our hands full trying to make the other six shut up. Eventually the manager came over to hit on us but we lied and I said was a persian princess who was going to be married in four days and Jamie said she was gay. He went alone soon after that and eventually after what felt like five years the car came and we dragged the passed-out gang into the car. Good timesss(:

Cleaning Out My Closet.

A couple years back when Curly was in the reformatory, I used to hang around with Tim and his friends. Not gonna lie, they were not my number one choice of people to chill with, but when you're thirteen you'll do what you can to fit in. Anyway, Tim's friends that were girls would always talk about how they wanted to go on diets and stuff to lose weight. Well considering we wern't the wealthiest people in the world I tried to lose weight the fastest way I could. I stopped eating. I began to change in size. I was so proud of myself because then I thought "they will defitnetly accept me now" but I was so wrong. My clothes hung off of me and I got constant migraines so I was always in a terrible mood. One day Tim and his friend Caroline (one of his friends who I was particularly close to) confronted me about my issue. I denied it at first but finally I gave up and broke down sobbing, they must've held me for at least an hour. It took a while to recover but I'm proud to say I have not starved myself in four years. (:

Thank God for Brothers.

So, today I discovered that being outgoing can have a dangerous side. I was just hanging out at the park with my friend Charlie who is a freshman and he has a little crush on me. But anyway we were just talking and all of a sudden a couple of well dressed kids who I assumed were from out of town walked up and started talking to us. They were a little drunk but I didn't mind much considering how my brothers are anyway. I was just talkin' about school and the town and stuff and me and this guy Dan started walking around, I left Charlie with two other guys and this other chick. But we got to the teeter totter and he tried to put his arm around me. At that point I knew the alchohal was getting to him and I was done with him. I just shrugged him off until he tried to hold me and kiss me. I screamed at the top of my lungs and hit him in the head so hard I hope he has brain damage. He was a pretty nice guy until the end I just think he was too drunk to realize what the hell he was doing. It's times like this I'm glad I have greasers for brothers.