Hot Mess.

The other day I was flat out falling apart. My mom kicked me out once again because I'm a quote "whore" Tim was god knows where and Curly was being himself and hiding. But anyway I decided to go out and attempt to have a good time, but it's pretty safe to say that it didn't go so well. I come home high and depressed. I walked in and stumbled into the basement with a switchblade with my mother screaming down the stairs about ovens or something, I dunno. Anyway, I sunk to a new low. I hit rock bottom. I know it sounds all cliched and shit but it's true. I never thought I'd get there with the friends I have and the people I can talk to but I chose to take the bad way out and just cram it up inside in a little box. But noooo god forbid I torture myself in peace because a couple of minutes after I had been sobbing in private here comes none other than Johnny Cade. I almost started laughing when I saw him. Out of all the people in the world to find me here it was one of my best friends who has enough problems without having to witness mine. Wow I thought. Now this is a great day. NOT.


"Angela....? What're you doing?"


"Johnny?" I replied looking up from the ground.

"Yeah, yeah I'm here." Johnny said.


I for one would rather not have people see me with blood running down my arms, my hair looking like a bird's nest and my make-up blotted around my face like splatter paint, let alone Johnny. "Johnny, leave, I don't want you to see me like this," I practically whispered to keep from crying out. But deep down I was hoping to god he'd stay. I needed someone to talk to. Someone to complain to; someone to finally be there to help me. I was so bipolar at that point I was shocked he hadn't even run out of the house screaming yet. I was so glad he was there.

"No, I'm not letting you hurt yourself like this," He snapped.

At that point I was just so sick of everyone telling me things. What to do, what to think, who I was, where I was going. I got so pissed off I thought I was going to seriously injure Johnny if I couldn't control myself. "I don't care!" I screamed. "It's my life and I'll hurt myself if I want to! My life is just a wreck.."

"And you think this is how to solve it?!" He retorted.

I paused. I never really though of an alternative other than trying to take away the pain with the blood sliding down my wrists. Replacing pain with more pain. It was senseless but it sort of gave me the control I needed in my life. I needed to control something that I was doing, and this was the only way I knew how. "You don't understand..." I said lamely. It was a crappy excuse but I couldn't really explain it to him. I couldn't let him into my dark side. If I broke down that wall god knows what else I'd let out.

"Come on, Angela, please put the knife down." He asked in a steady voice. "NO!" I shouted at him. "Look, Angela, put the knife down and we can talk about this. There are better ways to deal with this." He said. I could tell he was kind of freaked out at that point but I just couldn't bring myself to put it down.

"I dunno." I replied. "This feels pretty good to me."

"But it isn't good for you. Trust me, Angela. I need you to trust me." He pleaded.

He was begging me to put the knife down. Someone was begging me to help myself. How could I be so selfish? Here was this great dude trying to help me out. I was finnally getting what I wanted and yet I was refusing treatment. I just stared at Johnny for a few seconds. He helped me discover the inner demons I had been trying to conquer for years. I looked at the knife and just dropped it. I collapsed right into Johnny. I started sobbing. I haven't cried in eleven years. It felt so good to just let it all out. I just cried and cried and he held me for the lord knows how long. Finally he asked, "Angela do you want to talk about this?"

I thought about it for a second. I did but I didn't want to let out all of my skeletons. Then I decided to just screw it and tell him.

"I guess it started when my mother started to beat me and do awful things to me. My dad has raped me a few times but he took off. They didn't care about me one bit. I was lucky if they put dinner on the table. I mostly just kept my mouth shut about it because I was humiliated by it. The only way I could keep control was by.....cutting." I shivered at the last word.

I know it's stupid to keep your mouth shut when you're getting hit but you don't understand until you're actually in that position and Johnny and I understood each other.

He just kind of stared at me for a minute. I looked at my wrists and shifted uncomfortably, I really thought he was going to leave me here. I didn't expect him to give me a whole therepy session. But he stayed and boy was I relieved.

He said in a quiet voice, "You know, my parents beat me up too.."
WHOA! Okay first of all I was very confused considering him being one of my good friends, I didn't know this. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

"Really? Oh Johnny, I didn't know.."

We talked for a long, long time. We talked about everything. Our lives, our pasts, random crap. You name it.

An hour later I spoke up, "I've never told anyone about the cutting...about everything..except you. And I'm kind of glad you're the only one who knows. I totally trust you."

He just smiled sheepishly. Classic Johnny Cade. Never judgemental or cocky. "Well." He replied. "You will be happy to know I trust you too, a lot." I gave him a small smile. It was quiet for a moment then he said, "Well I better get going, I'm supposed to be looking for Pony's lost cat."

"Oh okay. Lemme walk you to the door." I said. I was for once not scared of being alone. I felt at peace with myself. I hadn't felt that way in I don't even know how long.

"Remember, if you ever need me I'll always be there." He said.

"Thanks, Johnny. I truly appreciate it, I replied." We both began our treck up the stairs and I walked him to the door. "Bye, Johnny Appleseed." I called out.

"Bye, Angela." He answered. I began to walk back into my house when he hurridly said, Angela, wait!"

"Yeah?" I answered. Then he pulled me in and kissed me. Not like full on make-out but a kiss is a kiss. I gave in for just a second and then I realized what I was doing. I slapped him. Not too hard but hard enough that he turned away for a minute. He looked down at his sneakers and apologized, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me...." He trailed off. After he said that there was an awkward silence between us. Eventually I just totally lost my mind and said, "Come here you idiot!" Annnd I kissed him. I know, I know I'm totally stupid. SO STUPID. He was my best friend. I don't like him that way, but I was completely out of it. Then we pulled apart and saw Jamie and Ponyboy there. Jamie's face was priceless. I can't imagine what she must be going through right now. I know I'm supposed to hate her and all but I have never felt so bad in my life. She began to speak but I just stepped back and didn't listen to a word of it. I was too in shock to what I had just done. First I confessed my whole entire life story to Johnny then I kissed him! I was full of surprises. He picked up Jamie's necklace that she had thrown at him running away and I apologized repeatedly. He just nodded.

We both agreed it was a mistake and we were too good of friends to ever be together. After that he turned away and walked home. I walked in my house and slept and slept and slept. No dreams. No nightmares just a rock hard sleep. God, am I stupid or what?